Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!
Dude: You’re so whipped.
Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.