Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”


Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”


“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.


“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.


People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings


I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss


Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.