@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

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@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

@markleggett

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.

@kcmoore51

Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings

@Donnie_Fairburn

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@HenpeckedHal

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.