@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

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@david8hughes

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

@TeeJayRush

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

@dubstep4dads

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

@MetteAngerhofer

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@volthetime

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

@comer310

Bro: *on phone* Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. BABE!

Dude: You’re so whipped.

Bro: What? I just got her to rent Babe instead of The Notebook.