Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
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When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.