Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Traveler’s camo
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.