@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

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@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@sixthformpoet

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

@junejuly12

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

@Chloestylo

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

@emoelwoods

My ex used to send me unsolicited nudes all the time. But now my new boyfriend always ask my dad for permission before he sends them, and he sends them to my mom too. Ladies, do not settle, your time will come and you will find the right man

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.