@Hormonella

SQUIRREL!

SQUIRREL!

CAT!

SQUIRREL!

SQUIRREL!

MAILMAN!

SQUIRREL!

~ Dog Acing Rorschach Test

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@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

@CChilllll

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

@MrGirlDad

After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.

@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?