Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?
~ Dog Acing Rorschach Test
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?