People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
You Might Also Like
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap