mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
relationship goals
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I saw this ending much differently.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…