ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“The Perfect Relationship”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
unbelievably distressed by this ad