St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.