St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes