When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball