st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You Might Also Like
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
black phone good
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.