@Piecezilla

St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child

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@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

@NicestHippo

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@buhsbaby_baby

One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.