St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child

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Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this:

There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.


Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.


HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.


[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]


For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.


dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh


Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.


I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.


each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it