St Peter reviewing my browser history before I enter Heaven: I see you’ve had a hard time cooking chicken. All of that’s behind you my child

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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.


Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”


Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”


Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.


One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn’t feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.


Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness


Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.