The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
OH. COME. ON.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face