St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Not even remotely sorry.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.