St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
You Might Also Like
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
That was easy.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Autocorrect completely socks
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me sliding into hell like
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.