St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.