“I’m leaving you”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
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Me: Sorry sorry *tears welling up* so sorry
Her: oh honey…
Me: *sobbing* BANANA-FANA-FO-FORRY
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running