Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Finally a use for spoilers…
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.