St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
You Might Also Like
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…