St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.