@UnFitz

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

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@coolbudy1998

If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

@AGreaterMonster

A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!

@MissHavisham

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@suecorvette

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@MrsCupcake79

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

@DaddyJew

[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat