St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

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If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!


A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!


Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”


Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.


my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart


Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love


7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.


[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat