@UnFitz

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

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@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@OwlFWGKTA

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

@somecleverthing

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

@LosLos__

Me: Gonna go see Gym.

Friend: You mean go to the gym?

Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.

@BoomBoomBetty

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”