@sidleykate: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

@Crunk_Jews: [first date] Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once

@pickupIines: did you read dr seuss as a kid because green eggs and damn

@rickkondell: Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.

@OrangeFact: Sometimes I'll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don't want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.