CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: Gonna go see Gym.
Friend: You mean go to the gym?
Me: No, Gym is Geoff’s brother.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”