@UnFitz
@coolbudy1998
If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!
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@coolbudy1998
@AGreaterMonster
A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
@MissHavisham
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
@TheAlexP
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
@suecorvette
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
@IvoryGazelle
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
@MrsCupcake79
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
@lil_unsteady
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
@therealeatwood
@DaddyJew
[heading to any family function]
Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila
Gf: where?
Me: down my throat