The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[stacks of books on floor]
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I’d totally be expecting some change back.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?