@theroneman

[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]

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@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@TheToddWilliams

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

@MarlonBrandNO

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@lazerdoov

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

@BigGucci_Idz

It’s funny when guys say “treat your girl right or I will” lol if you could treat girls right then where is your girl?

@roxiqt

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

@Glennot73

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

@Reverend_Scott

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

@Douchekevin

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I’d totally be expecting some change back.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?