[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
A roof is a house hat.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*