I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
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Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat