In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard
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I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating
me: truth or dare
me: are birds real
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him