@erica_rosie

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

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@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@OllyiConic

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

@TheCatWhisprer

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

@iamspacegirl

[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit

@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

@Mr_Kapowski

*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”

@puppy_eggs

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

@jackiembouvier

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?