I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
You Might Also Like
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
me: BLESS YOU!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.