Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.


Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.


Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds


I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.


Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.


Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.


Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.


[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free


Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.