Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

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*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there


Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”


[Wall Street]

ME: haha Hump Day, amiright?
HUMPTY DUMPTY *rolls eyes*
ME: eh? *nudge*
HD: Dude don’t-
ME: eh? *harder nudge* EH? Oh shit


God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.


*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”


It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it


I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.


[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?