4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Many hands make light work
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Is this you?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.