These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?