{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
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It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*