@Darlainky

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

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@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.

@pplwtching

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

@DaddyJew

Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent

@JustDontBugMe

Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.

@thedad

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

@PleaseBeGneiss

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

@Cheeseboy22

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.