{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

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When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.


Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.


Drug dealer: were you followed?

Me: doubt it, I tweeted a bunch of lame inspirational shit to throw them off my scent


Look, kid, sorry I ate your ice cream out of your hand but at the rate you were licking, it was either gonna be me or the ground.


Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing


COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?


COP: I think it’s to keep out ants


If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.


When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.