@NickMcNevich

Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.