[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.