Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

You Might Also Like


[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]


Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.


As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.


Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free


Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.