Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh