When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Boy giraffe: You wanna?
Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.
Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.