Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

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When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping


Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?


*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”


The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.


Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.


Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag


She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


Boy giraffe: You wanna?

Girl giraffe: Ok, but kiss my neck first.

Boy giraffe: But Babe, we only have 3 hours!


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.