Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*swipes right on my hand mirror
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music