[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.
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Here comes the plane!
*baby swallows food*
wow you just ate everyone on board. way to go you little jerk
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!
Me: Adults don’t get snow days.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’