STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Jesus Christ lmao
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]