Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?