[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice