LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!
*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*
*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
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ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?
9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.