*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

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LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.

*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*


ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE


God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’


Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.


My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway


Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice


Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.