@_steamy_mac

*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

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@Darlainky

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

@wildethingy

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

@calebsaysthings

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

@davidkenny100

American: I was just at a shotgun wedding

Me: How far pregnant was the bride?

American: You English are insane Shotguns can’t get pregnant

@SteveSuckington

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@TomatoTomoto1

[Silver Singles Meetup]

Him: oh baby you’re so hot, tell me about yourself

Me: first of all, you remind me of the first date I ever had

Him: 😍*intrigued* go on…

Me: it was all dried up, wrinkly and left a bad aftertaste

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.