Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
japanese corn
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Every. Damn. Time.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.