[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I’ve had worse
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*