[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.