Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

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hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks


I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!


Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.


[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now


I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe


The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.


You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it


Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.


Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.


*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*