Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My flabber has been gasted.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The game has officially changed 😎
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.