starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Tell me you get it…🤣
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
The days of good grammer has went
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative