[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Velcrow
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.