Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
ok like just. call me at this point
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Beware…..
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face