[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.