@GrantTanaka

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

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@sara_ashlynn

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

@HalfBakedHoney

I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

@Nachos0verHoes

How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

@lmegordon

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill