[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.


I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.


If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”


My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.


“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?


How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times



– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill