[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”