(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.