@VerefiedHusband

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

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@WheelTod

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

@velweb

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

@EFFFFFFYOU

Helping my kid memorize a list of cities and accidentally wrote a Pitbull song.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@girlontapas

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

@JillianKarger

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

@skullmandible

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

@BriAnneHolthaus

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.