*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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Spa day..😅
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.