*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”