(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
scrabbled eggs