(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

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*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.


Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.


Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test


“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears


*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!


Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..



I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.


Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.


Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*


Fun fact: The hip word “chillax” is a combination of the slang term “chill” and the more traditional word “laxative.”