*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?
Husband: GET UP!
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Fun fact: The hip word “chillax” is a combination of the slang term “chill” and the more traditional word “laxative.”