[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You Might Also Like
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.