[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
You Might Also Like
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*